Things I Don't Want Said in the News When I Die...

[Stout Roost]

"If I'da known that was him in the BBQ, I wouldda never eaten anything."

"They found him over there... over there... and back up a bit- right there."

"I thought he'd just put on a couple pounds. Who knew gas could kill you?"

"Found with any number of small household appliances inside of his lower intestine."

"...ate their way out..."

"When we arrived on the scene we saw the coroner outside, vomitting..."

"Officers couldn't stop laughing..."

"Latest victim of the serial killer dubbed, 'The Anal Invader'..."

[MontiLee]

"He looked that Gator in the eye, rolled up his sleeves, and said, 'Ma'am, I'll get your dog back."

"The last thing I remember him saying was, "I think it's this switch right over he-- "

"The full magnitude of his actions can only be expressed through this Pantomine."

"And then he said, 'Look what I can still do.'"

[Stout Roost]

Mar 2, 2010 15:27:44 GMT -5 MontiLee said:

"He looked that Gator in the eye, rolled up his sleeves, and said, 'Ma'am, I'll get your dog back."

"The last thing I remember him saying was, "I think it's this switch right over he-- "

"The full magnitude of his actions can only be expressed through this Pantomine."

"And then he said, 'Look what I can still do.'"

"I told him ants could do that."

"And that's when he exploded."

"And that's when the bear came."

"If they find it in time, we'll sew it on and bury him with it."

[Stout Roost]

Pulled these from another forum I'm on:

"...pantsless and in the street."

"...flesh-eating virus..."

"...naked in a men's room..."

"The first to die in a dildo melee."

"Allegedly wasn't paid for the illegal act."

"Stuck."

"Though the body was intact, police suspect the anus wasn't his."

"Suspected victim of the serial killer dubbed, 'The Penis-Taker'."

"In a baggy..."

"Found in women's clothing..."

"Coroner stated there was feces found in his stomach."

"Questionable pictures found on his computer."

"Police are questioning the victim's spouse and an as-yet unidentified woman."

"It is unknown if the victim was gay, but speculations abound given the overwhelming circumstances."

"Witnesses say he didn't see the steamroller..."

"Remains found in the stomachs of three rabid bears."

"Extensive search through dental records finally gave police a name and face."

"Thanks to forensic science we have a face for the victim."

"Found cut in half by one of his beloved trains after years of riding the rails with other hobos."

"Remains were found in a 55 gallon drum along with two other unidentified victims."

"Oozed..."

"Family regretted not taking the victim to the hospital after complaints of severe gas pain..."

"Headless."

"...ate their way through the anal cavity all the way up to the esophagus before the victim expired."

"Orally impaled..."

"Eyes literally exploding from his skull."

"I wouldn't have yelled at him like that if I'd known," said his neighbor of 25 years. "I mean, who dies from diahrrea?"

"Neighbors two blocks away could hear him scream, and I quote, "My balls. My balls. Dear God, my balls."

"His sister said she knew about designs for the contraption, but never suspected he would actually build it."

"There were dozens of names on his intended victims list, but apparently his plans went horribly wrong."

"Found in his own filth."

"Crushed by a giant stone penis."

[Stout Roost]

"Went in through the eyes."

[thekarmasuitzya]

Cracked my ass up and down!!!

[micah]

"Fortunately the unique tattoo allowed for the identification of the remains."

"Charred."

"A household strainer was used to collect the solid pieces: bone, nails, etc."

"Just like that Michael Hutchence guy."

"Hair mat sloughed off days before."

"Investigators were assaulted by the swarm of flies. After four hours with all of the windows open, the insects had dispersed enough for the detectives to enter once again."

"He was a quiet man, kept to himself mostly..."

"...whose remains had been devoured by his own cats."

"...still unsure where one could find stiletto heels in a men's size 14."

"The authorities argued over the consistency of the remains. Some claimed it was quite like a breakfast smoothie while others insisted it was more of a thick, cream based soup."

and finally the one which probably will end up being applied to me:

"...when the smell finally reached the neighbors who then notified the authorities."

[sjp]

"...not sure HOW far the tornado carried the body, but scientists are uncertain if wind speeds could have truly placed the corn cob there by accident."

"...in the process of fishing the keys out when the street sweeper went by."

"...went to get a hot dog when Lidstrom's skate flew off and over the barrier."

"...was told by friends that visiting the treatment plant was a bad idea in his condition, but replied, 'It's just Ambien. How bad can it be?'"

"...signs clearly stated air hose was intended for automobile usage..."

"It is unclear in WHICH of the remaining 46 states that could have been buried..."

"Police describe the situation as 'At least 10 times as grisly as Hostel, and at least as bad as sitting through the Carrot Top movie...'"

"Ironically, he was voted in high school as the 'Least Likely to Spontaneously Combust.'"

"Upon finding the body, the neighbor, an Iraq war veteran, simply replied, 'Damn.'"

"We told him not to eat it, but we didn't give it a second thought until it happened. I didn't think the human body HELD that much blood."

"Police say the milkman, thanks to quick reflexes, was able to stave off the Zombie Apocalypse before a SECOND person could be infected."

"A reminder to us all to NEVER retrieve a dime from the tracks."

"Well, I guess Randy decided to have a little fun and put chocolate syrup in the lethal injection. Didn't know the reaction was so explosive."

"He had never tried 'LARPing' until that fateful night. Police are still questioning gang members on how they were able to cram so many cardboard swords into one orifice."